- Be sure to confuse online services like AOL and CI$ with the Internet.
- Be sure to confuse the Web, the Internet, and Usenet with each other.
- Be sure to declaim that there are fortunes to be made on the net.
- Be sure to claim the Internet isn't yet ready for business use.
- Be sure to claim that the Internet is ready for business use.
- Talk about how the Internet was created to survive a nuclear attack. For extra points, find a way to pronounce it "nuke-u-lar" in print.
- Pick an Internet population survey and report on it as if it were true.
- Be sure to obsesss on all that pronography which litters the Internet like dead possums on a back road. Don't actually try looking for any, as first-hand research doesn't count. For extra credit, quote Marty Rimm's pseudo-study; for double credit, quote from the Time magazine pseudo-coverage of it.
- Talk about how companies like Microsoft and AOL are making the net easier and better to use. Don't ask anyone at those companies how much money they've taken in reselling the concept of the Internet.
- Talk about how great the net is for mass market email. If you're not up to speed on this, post a query in one or two newsgroups asking for some junk mail...
- Extoll the virtues of the Web as a multimedia, interactive playground and business platform. If you have a 28.8 modem, don't actually try anything; go find somebody with a T1 line and use their system.
- Report on Internet-over-cable, voice-over-Internet, and the like as mature technologies that will be readily available in time for the holiday shopping season.
- Be sure to mention how companies like AT&T, MCI, Sprint and such
have made Internet access broadly available, cheap and easy.
and
- Explain why Java is safe, and Netscape is worth all the money it IPOd for, based on all those free browsers they gave away.
P.S. Be sure to tell your investor readers I've got a great deal on a large-scale continent-island vehicle connector with a POP in lower Manhatten, near Brooklyn.
Source:
Posted by Daniel P. Dern
